anywhere but here

got it still

2008-08-24T03:15:00.001+02:00

inte ute på år och dar.
med stor podus går man fram i vipkön och fixar in förfestgästerna.
lite stolt.

lunarstorm

2008-08-23T04:14:00.001+02:00

Om man läser mina dagboksinlägg från 2001 på lunarstorm.se så kan man tro att jag hade rökt på varje gång jag skrev dagbok.
Kanske hade jag det också.

vadå

2008-08-21T01:12:00.001+02:00

varför heter det "fattig som en kyrkråtta"?

yep

2008-08-18T23:48:00.001+02:00

alla är idioter.

goodbye, and hello.

2008-08-01T01:42:00.002+02:00

100 posts, and the loveablegoesindifferentblog died.
Jag tror att det är dags att skriva blogg på svenska istället.
(I think it's time to write a blog in Swedish instead.)

Jag har haft många bra tillfällen att skriva av mig frustration. Det dyker tyvärr numera upp alltför ofta och någonstans ska det ta vägen. Kanske i ett terapirum, men jag känner att jag gjort mitt där för ett tag.
Kanske kan man slänga över den på idioter, som t.ex. igår kväll fick jag följande fråga på jobbet. (Jag arbetar på en restaurang.) En kille ska betala och frågar om han kan få tre kronor i rabatt eftersom han inte ville ha "något tillbehör" till glassen. Var på mina knogar vitnar för att jag håller ett smutsigt ölglas i handen och säger "det finns inget som heter rabatt när man kommer till en restaurang, det finns bara dricks".
Men ändå, jag önskar att jag alltid hade orden som vapen. Jag vet inte riktigt vart det tar vägen när inte orden finns. Det stannar nog inne och stärks till nästa tillfälle.
För jag har inte ballar nog att slå sönder saker eller boxas med väggar.

The magic of a therapeutic relationship

2008-02-02T15:19:00.000+01:00

From the year of 2008 the compensation for a therapy session is 400SEK instead of 350SEK. (My session costs 500SEK) That means 50SEK less for me to pay, right?
Mister Freud didn’t really agree with that at first, you see there is a magical thing in paying for your therapy session. To be able to demand from your therapist it has to “feel”, yes okay, but “feel” economically?
I can’t agree with that, because money does not have such impact on me. For me it’s not about the money, it was a thing of principle because the therapist though those 50SEK was for him. And the reason why the compensation was raised was because the students had fought for it.
So it was a thing of principle. And the therapist agreed and said at the end that I could choose what I wanted to do with these 50SEK. After discussing it for two sessions I didn’t want the money for myself but I didn’t think he deserved them either. So I came up with the idea to give the money away for a good cause and we decided that we shall for every session give away 50SEK to Save the Children organization.
How good isn’t that!

Hurray. Or whatever.

2008-01-17T18:04:00.000+01:00

I’m half through my psycho-studies. Today, I’m half through. And. Now it’s a half left. I hope my inner life won’t be as dramatic as the first half of the studies. And now I’m going to celebrate it with drinking red wine. All by myself. That’s what happens to you after half-through-my-psycho-studies.

2007-12-07T23:04:00.000+01:00

I hope there is some point in failing.
Or some point in living a fragmented life.
Or some point in searching the point.
What do you hope for?

Can't we just poke?

2007-11-29T23:27:00.000+01:00

Tagging? What’s up with that? OKAY Hans, here we go.

1. My real name is Marizela which has nothing to do with Spain, Portugal or Chile, it’s a Bosnian name, very uncommon though.

2. I was born in Bosanski Novi, (which doesn’t exist anymore since they have changed the name to Novi Grad and erased most traces after Bosnjaks) in Bosnia 1985 but moved/flew to Sweden in 1993.

3. I had a very short “career” in basketball when I was 14-17 years old. When I was 14 I was one of top 30 players in Sweden. I played in first league, nothing not brag about really since it was in Sweden.

4. I’m a member of the Green Party here in Sweden.

5. I’m a student who works more than studies. I hope to become an excellent psychologist in a few years anyway. I have also around four jobs from time to time, various, everything from working as a bartender to nursing and administration.

6. Last new-years I decided it was time for me to go back to my roots, starting to join Bosnian communities on the Internet and reading blogs I ran into a very nice Bosnian guy. Who now is my fiancé, funny how things turns out sometimes. He is by the way the first Bosnian guy I have ever dated and hope to be the last one too.

I tag (poor people):

The Matador

Marion

The Istanbulian

Parlamentet

2007-11-21T09:49:00.000+01:00

Swedish humor at its best!

Thought

2007-11-18T13:18:00.001+01:00

Ha. So it is just to realize that then is not now, now is now and not then.
Like that helps.

Someone said; it is just MF-basketball.

soundtrack KOM!

2007-11-15T22:52:00.000+01:00

Du går nedtryckt i två alldeles för grova skor, det börjar visst bli höst
men den är aldrig riktigt lika grym och svartvit som man tror
Jag vet att du sa fel, och hela stan vet om den känns det som
Du gick för långt och du är alltid deras fnask. Jag säger Kom
Allt är förlåtet, dom snackar bara strunt
Dom har väl redan glömt hur kul det kan va att tumla runt

Din byst är full med rock'n'roll och håret lyser blont
Det vore orättvist om någon skulle döma dig för sånt
Vi går ut och strör små smulor till fåglarna på marken
Vissa dagar är man ett med alla mänskorna i parken
Du min ängel, här i livet får man sota för all skit som man har tyckt
Det gör dig matt, det gör dig arg, det gör dig nertryckt
i två alldeles för grova skor, din mun ångar av rök
Vi går hem, du kan väl ruttna på en stol i mitt kök
Jag säger KOM

Kom, så ruttnar vi ihop
på alla veta-bättre-typer som ska säga hur man gör
För har man nån gång grävt en grop
åt alla veta-bättre-typer
får man jävlar ligga i och skämmas tills man dör

Det finns ett ord för vad jag lider av, men jag har glömt det nu
Det där att komma på för sent vad man borde sagt, och Du
vet hur det känns, det vet väl jag, jag har känt dig, jag är van
Jag borde sagt igår, vad jag kom på härom dan
Men nu är allt för sent, nu är det gjort, nu är du dömd
Du gick för långt och du är alltid deras fnask, och han är glömd
Men låt dom älta, dividera om vikten i det där
Här får man aldrig göra fel, här får man aldrig göra om
Jag säger KOM

Kom så ruttnar vi ihop…

Du går nedtryckt i två alldeles för grova skor, det börjar visst bli höst
och den är lika spottad på som begagnade bröst
Det blåser på, nu faller löv, det börjar om
Jag säger Kom, här är livet, här är världen vi ska leva i
Vi, och alla duvorna på marken, alla fåglarna i skogen
Alla mänskorna i parken, alla herrarna på krogen
Här finns ingen som kan döma, här finns ingen mera lärd
om ditt liv, om din stad, om ditt land, om din värld
Det kommer alltid tillbaks, med veta-bättre-direktiv
Till en värld, till ett land, till en stad, till ett liv
Några smulor till duvorna, min vän
sen går vi hem

SAMARA says Hi!

2007-11-04T18:14:00.000+01:00

I had a real blast at the Halloween party last night. I went as Samara from the movie The Ring. Pretty creepy, I even scared myself when I saw what I looked like in the mirror.

World holds on for us

2007-10-27T12:37:00.000+02:00

I hate my beloved home without you.
If those seven days were a lifetime, my life would have been complete with you.
The every new seven days without are meaningless,
everything I do without you is meaningless, so I stop doing them.
I stop living those new seven days without you.
There is no meaning in spending a lifetime alone.

Cure of soul

2007-10-08T22:41:00.000+02:00

How can this be, all of sudden everything is how it’s supposed to be.
I fear nothing, I’m surrounded with continual security.
How can this be, that this great love is for real?

Maybe something happened here?

Bored

2007-10-03T18:32:00.000+02:00

I used to be bored at lot. And now I just realized I haven’t been bored in a very long time, there’s not been any time for it. But now, in this moment, I’m bored, I’m really bored and I think I know why.I’m writing on an essay about depression, and I’m fed up with it. Not writing the essay but with reading and writing about depression. You hear about it all the time, you see it everywhere. It’s boring and it’s depressive and depressive is boring.

Okay, so things that really do not bore me or others are surprises.
I got one the other night when I was working at the pub, and this man comes in with a bouquet of ten lovely red roses to apologize. Oh, what the hell, I just wanted to brag about the roses!

Première

2007-09-21T15:56:00.000+02:00

This day comes in a very opportune moment, I don’t know why but today I’m really frustrated.
See you in audience!

Facebook Mania

2007-09-19T23:45:00.000+02:00

Lots of disorders in this course, I came up with one myself. The Facebook-Mania, one of the symptoms are excessive poking. I can’t stop poking people, just because it is a poke. Poke is fun, poke at you, and you, you and you! POKE, POKE, POKE!

Come home!

2007-09-13T14:09:00.000+02:00

I’m waiting for him to come home so he can tell me all about how it went today at the embassy. What I already know, is that he is going to an interview in November and he told me that he could be here in Sweden in December if everything goes well.
So I’m waiting for him to come home but I’m also waiting for him to come to our home.

Wolf Eyes/Black Dice

2007-09-05T21:51:00.000+02:00

She's back, and I love her!

IX.XI - The Big Bang

2007-09-02T09:28:00.000+02:00

On the tram the other day I overheard a conversation between two younger women. The first one said, it’s getting close to September 11th and I think it’s creepy. The other one replied, yes, do you remember what you did that day, myself was on the tram like now and then the tram-driver turned on the radio so everyone could here and when I got home…..
That’s where I lost myself in my thoughts of what I was doing that day, and I remember it too, I had just got home from school and I was zipping back and forth between channels. I remember there was this channel called Euro News, or something like that, it was live and I saw how one of the tower buildings where on fire. I read the scrolls and three minutes later I see, live on Television, how a new airplane crashes into the other building. First I come to think it’s just a review of the first, but how could that be, that’s impossible, and it’s live! Oh my god, what did I just see?

Now in less than two weeks we have première with “Big Bang”. Big Bang is about the Gothenburg riots summer of 2001 and September 11th. I play a teenage girl, daughter to an Iraqi, but born in Sweden. The role character, Moa Hafiz, decides to learn Arabic and becomes a real Muslim as she says. She decides to put on a headscarf against her fathers will and she changes her name to Aicha. As she learns more and more, she develops also powers that help her travel in time. She plays an important role in the September 11th in this performance.

Wake me up when September ends

2007-09-01T10:29:00.000+02:00

It's not even lunchtime yet and I have already cried enough for today.

Excitement

2007-08-31T21:33:00.001+02:00

I’m really exhausted, I have been working from early mornings to late evenings, and I’ve even worked double shifts. And I feel, actually I don’t feel anything. I’m just empty.
But it doesn’t end here, tomorrow I have lots “to-do” and on Sunday too, I have to say I’m really happy that school starts on Monday, having a un-stimulated job sucks.
I had a giving session with my therapist, we talked about the war and understanding the people of Balkan. He thought I should read a book by Ludvig Igra called, with the Swedish title, “Den tunna hinnan”.
I think it’s amazing how things can chance over a night, maybe they don’t but when the awareness is right there, and it’s just wow. At the beginning I couldn’t speak, during the sessions I just flew away somewhere else and was not ready to share it with him. Now just as I walk into that room I have so much to tell him that I don’t know where to start. Since I came back from the summerbreak he has kept on telling me “your life is very exciting right now”.
Very exciting it is, and I’m very excited myself.

My Beloved One

2007-08-20T23:19:00.000+02:00

Never believe it’s too late

Those people have been fading away through the years
I have been searching for security and stability
I called it identity
False conviction came into my life
How the years went by and the people faded away
Through support I found the courage to walk back
And as I approached, the fading people
Everything made sense in my life

The Tefal Aquaspeed 155

2007-08-19T18:58:00.000+02:00

I got a chance to clean my apartment today, so I did. I get fascinated by cleaning, I mean, fascinated by how good I feel afterwards when everything is in its place.
While I was cleaning I found an iron that I had forgot all about. And I felt a bit of guilt. You see, when I moved from my parents, my mom insisted that I should have an iron. So she gave me one but I didn’t have much use for it. When I was visiting my parents for Easter, she had bought a new iron again. She said, I have one myself, I promise you it’s the best. Ok mom, but I already have an iron. But she insisted again that I should have it and I brought it to Gothenburg, put it away and now I have found the damn iron. So now I have to go and iron my guilt away....

So what now?

2007-08-19T11:32:00.000+02:00

We were supposed to have theatre rehearsal today but it got cancelled. So I’m starting to wonder how they are planning on have the premiere September 21st.
It’s not like I’m worried but it feels like if I’m going to put a whole lot of energy and time on having performances I want to feel like it is a good performance worth seeing.
Enough about that now.
I’m still trying to get back to my normal life here in Sweden. I have started seeing my beloved therapist again, and it feels much better now than before summer. Not that he has changed anything, but I guess I have.
Feels like I live one day at the time, I only know what I’m going to do tomorrow but not any further. It’s messy, I work at different places, different times. I have to get some organization. I’m glad that school starts soon so I’ll only have that as my biggest concern.

Older men and braids

2007-08-18T18:07:00.000+02:00

OK, what is it about older men and braids? Seems like every time I wear braids older men walk up to me and say; “You are so cute”
Just happened now, when I got off the tram, a man in his 60’s said “Oh my, you are the cutest thing”
I’m like “Ehhh, thanks”, embarrassed I start to walk faster and he shouts after me “I’m sorry, I know I’m an old man, but you are really cute!”

Am I cute in braids? What do you think?

Indifferent

2007-08-13T21:49:00.001+02:00

I have been away for a while I guess, not just physically but also mentally. And it has been great, but I haven’t really felt like myself for a long time and I can’t say I’m comfortable with that. So now I’m starting to wake up and I haven’t even been aware of this “away-ness”. I want get started, I want to live again, I want to organize things and have a plan. This passivity has to go away and I will make it go away because I’m so sick and tired off it.
I want to be me, because none knows better what’s best for me but me.

Call it idiotic

2007-06-27T20:42:00.000+02:00

“If God exists, and I truly don’t believe he does, he will know that there are limits to human understanding. He was the one who created this confusion in which there is poverty, injustice, greed and loneliness. He doubtless had the best of intentions, but the results proved wrong; if God exists, he will be generous with those creatures who chose to leave this Earth early, and he might even apologize for having made us spend time here.”
From the book “Veronika decides to die” by Paulo Coelho.
Thanks to Matilda.

Today I regret everything, every choice I ever have made, everything that made me what I am.
I guess that kind of feeling exists too.

Long time no see

2007-06-23T21:54:00.000+02:00

I celebrated midsummer yesterday with a couple of friends. It rained all day, not very much of a surprise since it’s almost like a tradition that it rains on this day. But we managed to stay outside during the whole day, well, we had shelter from the rain so it all went very well. Everyone had brought food and of course a lot of liqueur, we are in Sweden. One of my friends was on French radio discussing midsummer celebrations in Sweden, and when she got the question if there is going to be any alcohol involved. She said, well, the Swedes will always find a way to get themselves drunk. I guess she confirmed what the rest of Europe thinks of Sweden.
Today I have been cleaning, doing laundry and packing all day. Tomorrow I’ll leave Gothenburg for Oskarshamn. At first I planned going there next week but then I got a call from my mom, and she was right determent to have me home as soon as possible. Since I always listen to my parents I had to go of course. I’ll have a few days to catch up with old friends from high school and then on Saturday next week it time visit my dear Bosnia again. Can’t wait!

Voliš me.

2007-06-12T22:30:00.000+02:00

It is getting dark outside. After a week with sunny whether it is time for a change. And it feels like it’s autumn, and that gives you a reason to stay inside and hide. And I kind of feel all happy suddenly.

DELETED

2007-06-11T17:25:00.000+02:00

Get a job and everything will be just fine.

DELETE

2007-06-10T22:46:00.000+02:00

If it doesn’t feel right, it is not right. Simple. Sure it is simple. What was I thinking?

Hey life, how are things with you?

2007-06-09T13:24:00.000+02:00

Someone told me I need to step out of myself and find out what it is I really want. That was a while ago now, and I still don’t know if I’m sure of what I want. But it is getting hard to being you by stepping out of yourself, makes me sometimes, unreachable and tired. I don’t want that, I want to be me, maybe that is like the goal here, by finding out what I want I’ll be myself again? This is not something I would like anyone else to have opinions about. Because then they’ll ask me a lot of questions that would make me know less than I know now, about what I want. Questions like, do you really think that you’ll come to a day where you’ll know everything all suddenly? What is being yourself, for you? Or they would say, everyone goes through a phase like that, just live with it. If I was asked I would say, people have reached a certain point where they really don’t have a problem, and that is the problem. Ok, I’m being myself again, I’m great.

but you still look like a cover of a book

2007-06-05T21:26:00.001+02:00

OH, COME ON!

2007-06-04T22:26:00.000+02:00

Have you ever met a person who brings out the worst in you? If you haven’t I shall now tell you about it. It is a person how at the first you have much tolerance with, because you’re such and understanding and non-judging person yourself. But as the conversation is floating on, you realize, this person is rather rude to you, indirectly. And when you are trying to confront this person, he is excusing himself in way that makes him even ruder to you. You find yourself using expressions, you haven’t been force to do since highschool, to bring this ASSHOLE down to earth. What more is frustrating is the fact that he is an item of this blog today!
"The reason im eating dinner with Donald Trump, Birger Christensen , Helene Christensen or Nicole Richie is nooooot beacause of my mothefucking money, sorry, its because of my personality, should i say sorry because im internationally?"
NO, I should say sorry, for you. Grow up.

Scandal

2007-06-03T12:49:00.000+02:00

Oh my God. Here is a video from the football match from yesterday between Sweden and Danmark. The video as you may see is made by a Danish supporter. Kind of funny, can't handle losing the game?

End of second year

2007-05-31T18:23:00.000+02:00

My second year in the programme of psychology is almost over.
The year has been, well, there is a lot to say about it. It started with the symbolic interactionism, all I remember from that was, Mead and his “I, ME, YOU.”
This was also the start of our class reputation as a very problematic and criticising class. Writing letters to the principal, about the “scandal-professor” who said that, small children do not need neutral toys or clothes, meaning girls should play with dolls and boy with cars because small children are in need of straight answers of gender roles.
Though he had some problems with expressing himself at lectures, he sometimes used words as “primitive” and made my classmates explode, I really felt sorry for this poor professor when we had a seminar, discussing a chapter in his book, one of my classmates said “this book is completely useless”.
Then we had the family and ethnicity course with Mirzet, a professor in sociology, who immigrated to Sweden during the war. During this course, I think I had more to say than anyone else had, but do you know what I did? I shut up instead, because this course was very special and emotional. It was about me, about my past, about processes during my life, and processes that were still going on. I found myself having a problem discussing these things objective. I couldn’t step out of the role being this person from another ethnicity to be the student who reflects over it objectively, so I was quiet.
And my class, they were at the war flied still with professors, from what I had heard from Mirzet, the professors from the Sociology Institute actually had a meeting, discussing our class and how to conduct themselves to us.
Then was the course in cognitive psychology, I didn’t think I would pass, but I did.
Then was the course in biological psychology, I was sure I wouldn’t pass, but I did.
And now were at the end of a course in personality psychology, and if I pass I feel like I’m not worth it. But I still hope I do.

Evasion

2007-05-31T07:50:00.000+02:00

I need more of this, and yet being 16 was some time ago....
This is "ludilo" in Swedish way, and it never gets old.

LILJA 4-EVER

2007-05-30T00:07:00.000+02:00

Lilja-ever is the most touching movie I have ever seen. I remember how frustrated I was after I had seen it.....

Lilya lives a fairly bleak life with her mother in a run down apartment block, but for all intents and purposes is a normal teenage girl (albeit an impoverished one). Lilya's mother tells her they are emigrating to the USA with her new boyfriend, but at the last minute Lilya is left behind, in the care of her aunt. A forced move into a squalid flat (while the Aunt moves herself into the larger, nicer flat that Lilya and her mother had lived in) is only the beginning, and a succession of miseries are heaped upon Lilya. Lilya's best friend encourages her to join her in prostituting herself for extra cash, though Lilya decides not to prostitute herself. However, when the friend's father finds the money the friend claims that she was the one who sat at the bar while Lilya prostituted herself. Not content with ruining Lilya's reputation at home, the story soon goes round school and results in a gang of boys from her neighborhood viciously raping her. As Lilya has been abandoned, she now really does have to prostitute herself for money to live. One glimmer of hope is her friend Volodya (Artyom Bogucharsky), abused and rejected by his alcoholic father, with whom she forms a tender protective relationship. Another glimmer of hope is Andrei (Pavel Ponomaryov), who becomes her boyfriend and offers her a job in Sweden. But all is not what it seems, and only bad things await Lilya when she arrives there.

After arriving in Sweden, she is greeted by her future "employer" (in reality, a pimp) and taken to a nearly empty apartment where he imprisons her. Lilya is raped by the pimp and she is then forced to perform sexual acts for her pimp's clients, while he reaps all the financial gain. Moodysson uses a very effective technique to show this abuse; all the abuse is seen from Lilya's point of view (similar to Peep Show). Thus the audience feels as if they are more personally involved in the scenes and, at the same time, explicit sex scenes with a young actress are avoided.

Meanwhile in the former Soviet Union, Volodya had committed suicide, devastated that Lilya had abandoned him. Now Volodya's ghost comes to Lilya to look over her. On Christmas day, he transports Lilya to the roof of the apartment, and, in a moving scene, he gives Lilya the world as a present, but she simply finds it cold and unwelcoming. After one escape attempt Lilya is brutally beaten by her pimp, but she then escapes again with the help of Volodya's ghost. Finally, and much to the distress of Volodya's ghost (who obviously regrets having killed himself) she commits suicide in the continuation of the scene from the beginning of the film by jumping from the bridge.

The film's conclusion shows Lilya and Volodya, now both dead and angelic, happily playing basketball on the roof of some tenement building, safe from all harm the world can do to them.

Gothenburg Riots 2001

2007-05-28T20:48:00.000+02:00

The protests during the EU summit in Gothenburg 2001, parts of which are often called the Gothenburg Riots (Göteborgskravallerna in Swedish), took place in the Swedish city of Gothenburg during the three days of the EU summit (the European Council) and EU–US Summit, June 14–16, 2001. The EU Summit focused upon EU enlargement, sustainable development, economic growth and structural reform issues. The EU–US summit included a visit by U.S. president George W. Bush on June 14. It was the first U.S. presidential visit to Sweden, and was intended as an opportunity to discuss differences on climate negotiations, WTO and Middle East issues with the EU leaders.

The school of Hvitfeldtska Gymnasiet had been lent out by the municipality of Gothenburg to Gothenburg Action and Attac to be used as a convergence center and for housing for the out-of-town protesters. More than 650 people were living at Hvitfeldtska and some also came to the information center and to attend conferences, meetings and seminars. At the school there was also a workshop for preparing white overalls activists planning to oppose the Schengen agreement by dressing up in ice-hockey and other similar defensive material and then by non-violent means try to enter the EU Summit the following day. On the morning of June 14, the police decided to surround and close off Hvitfeldtska at 11 am. This occurred at the same time as U.S. president George W Bush’s plane, the Air Force One, landed outside the city.

Hundreds of policemen surrounded the school. No one was allowed to leave or enter, and the people inside were given no information of what was going on. Journalists were not allowed to come near the area. At noon, the police chief Håkan Jaldung spoke at a press conference and declared that almost all of the people inside Hvitfeldtska were suspected of preparing different crimes. However, at this time, no criminal activity had taken place at the school according to both the security police units that had infiltrated the school and the organisations renting the school.

After a while, the police constructed a wall consisting of more than 100 containers around the school. Inside the school, and in the schoolyard, the demonstrators held meetings and discussed how best to handle the situation. Negotiations started with the police with mediators in collaboration with the psycho-tactic police unit. Around 3 pm, a few of the demonstrators were allowed to leave the school area during a period of uncertainty amongst the policemen. Approximately 100 people left the school at this point after agreeing to being searched by the police, but without promise of what they could keep with them. However, most of the people inside the school didn’t know this was happening and missed the opportunity to leave Hvitfeldtska and many stayed in solidarity with the white overalls who tried to negotiate their terms to get out. The police chief took away the mandate for the psychotactic unit and the negotiations ended in confusion. According to the police chief this was due to that the negotiations did not come to a conclusion, according to the mediators a conclusion on the last issue of white overall material was at hand and the problems could be solved.

200 people lined up to demand their right to go to the ongoing demonstration against Bush. In total some 200 people with some 30 white overalls in the front followed by some 50 syndicalist trade unionists, a black bloc and a mixed group of pacifists and others at the rear. The attempt to get through the police cordon through white overall tactics failed when the front white overalls where severely beaten while they themselves did not hit the police. When, at half past four, the demonstrations peacefully backed in a narrow alley towards the school the police charged violently on horses, with batons and with dogs provoking a violent reaction by the use of throwing cobblestones from some demonstrators.

Some demonstrators were able to block themselves in the school. Finally, at 10 pm the battle was over and police invaded the school, detaining approximately 500 people and removing them by bus.

Outside Hvitfeldtska the closing of the convergence center and the trapping of more than 500 persons inside caused immediate reactions. In the streets nearby and in the Vasa park clashes between police and protesters occurred that turned into riots. The police charged on horses against protesters and the demonstrators used cobblestones against the police. The protests reached their climax in the evening when some 2,000 people gathered outside the container wall to show their support. No violence occurred whatsoever but having the policemen focused on the crowd, some 30 people that had been trapped inside Hvitfeldtska were able to flee across the container wall and come outside the police cordon.

Big Bang, the acting preformace I'm in, is about Göteborgskravallerna. I’ll be playing the daughter of an Iraqi communist who flew to Sweden during the war against Iran in the 80’s. The daughter, who is born in Sweden, does not agree with her father’s vision and beliefs of life, instead she chooses to be a fundamentalist.

It's sad to see what the visit of the American president did to Gothenburg in the summer of 2001.

Source; Wikipedia

LUDILO

2007-05-28T12:48:00.000+02:00

My Bosnian-weekend was really, really great and now I’m really, really exhausted. Friday evening we went to Excet for a couple of drinks. Strawberry daiquiris, zip, zip. Biljana draws attention from Yugoslavian-people, so we had to listen to this two meter tall guy talking about, hm, I actually don’t know what it was, did not listen. But she had fun at least and so did I.
All Saturday we ran around Gothenburg shopping, or Biljana did, I hate going shopping on a Saturday, PANIC, PANIC. Too much people.
When we got back from shopping it was time for us to get ready for the concert. Surprise, surprise, girls from Malmö wants to have a preparty, OK, you are welcome to my small apartment. WOUAH! The LUDILO has started, MUZIKA, MUZIKA, OPA, HAJMO! Eaaasy girls, eaaasy.
Heading Högsbohallen, all Bosnians living in Sweden are here or what? Crowded, people are singing, SMOKING, ordering cevape, yeah, they had cevape!!!!
And then the concert started, wow! It was magic in the air. Alen, Bebek, Tifa sang for four hours, at the end my ears started to hurt actually.
Here is one of my videos from youtube, this is the INTRO from the concert.

Bosnian-weekend

2007-05-25T16:46:00.000+02:00

Aha, so I seem to have problems talking about myself in therapy, I mean talking about non-specific things, just out of the blue.
Today I decided to confront my therapist or myself, I really don’t know which one of us.
So I came up with this great metaphor describing the feeling of being in therapy sessions with him.
The conversation went something like this:

Therapist: Is there sometime special today that makes you unwilling to talk?
Me: No, I feel like this every time I’m here, but now I have come to a point where I’m tired of it, I thought you should know.
Therapist: Ok, but you know you don’t have to talk, it’s ok.

(Silence for about 10 min)

Therapist: Has it to do with the fact that I give you the bill at the start of this session today that makes you unwilling to talk?
Me: LOOK, it’s like this, I feel like we are throwing a ball between us, I always begin throwing it to you, and you throw it back but not with enough strength so the ball lands somewhere in front of me, and I have to go pick it up, get back in the line and throw it again. I’m tired of it, it’s no fun anymore.
Therapist: Aha….. but this ball thing, as I know your past with balls (referring to my time as a elite basketball player), does this have to do with some kind of competition, instead of a game?
Me: Hahah, competition, oh no, no competition, haha……

(Silence again for 5 min, me thinking, “God such an idiot, why is he so lame? “)

Me: No, it’s not a competition and it sure is not a game.
Therapist: Oh, but what it is then?
Me: It is a process (you fkn idiot).

My problem right now is all the things with school I have to finish, and that I dream myself away all the time, I’m still in Bosnia.
Good for me I’m having a Bosnia-weekend, I’m off to pick up Biljana soon. Tomorrow we’ll be going to a Bosnian concert with Bijelo Dugme. And there’ll be thousands of Bosnians there, thousands of people I can pick on tomorrow.

But we are OKAY

2007-05-23T21:45:00.000+02:00

ever since I was eight or nine
I've been standing on the shoreline
always waiting
for something lasting
loose your hunger, you loose your way
get confused and you fade away

oh this town
kills you when you are young
oh this town
kills you when you are young

I'm not the boy I used to be
this town has got the youth of me
all eyes turn hollow
from the work of sorrow

standing on the paving
by the office building
they've got so much to do
never time for you

we are shadows
oh we're shadows
shadows in the alley

you die when you're young
you die when you're young
you die when you're young

Ambivalent?

2007-05-22T13:17:00.001+02:00

Since I woke up I have had an email-battle with my tuter. Sending copies back and forth, he makes kind of funny comments, wants me to add things all the time, and when I do that, he wants me to erase it. I’m wondering if he is enjoying it as much as I do?

Moment of madness

2007-05-21T23:59:00.000+02:00

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
alltså seriosuly

Evelin säger:
hahaha

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
va är det för fel på mig?

Evelin säger:
Vaddå?

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
jag är helknäpp

Evelin säger:
det är helt ok

Evelin säger:
Man har sådana stunder

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
om du säger det så,, nu försvann det

Evelin säger:
Kanske är att du inte träffat någon idag

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
nej nu kom det tillbaks,,,

Evelin säger:
sådant kan få en att klättra på väggarna..

Evelin säger:
:)

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
hahah

Evelin säger:
hahahaha

Evelin säger:
My goodness

not stirred, definitivt störd säger:
:D

Ljubim te!

2007-05-21T01:22:00.000+02:00

Emotional? Sure it is, I'm craving for it.

The hysterical character of mine

2007-05-18T12:18:00.000+02:00

30 of May- 1 of June, I'll be holding a lecture about Bergson and his Intuition.

As far as I have understood it right, Bergson says that...

1) ultimate reality is changing, rather than unchanging;
2) ultimate reality is knowable by direct intuition;
3) intellect and intuition provide two different kinds of knowledge, which can be integrated to produce a unified knowledge of reality;
4) intellectual knowledge is relative knowledge, intuitive knowledge is absolute knowledge;
5) intuition is a direct perception and experience of the continuous flow of reality, without the use of any intellectual concepts;
6) the flow of time as real duration can be experienced only by intuition;
7) the intellect may falsify the perception of reality by substituting stability for mobility, and by substituting discontinuity for continuity;
8) many philosophical problems are caused by the use of conceptual instead of intuitive thinking, and are resolved by the use of intuition as a philosophical method.

OH YES, God bless you and your definition.
Now I just have to do this in Swedish, HEJA!

Hey homie, long time no see.

2007-05-17T22:09:00.000+02:00

Debura says Hi

2007-05-16T17:08:00.000+02:00

So Mari is back in cold Sweden, in Sweden we say ”Borta bra men hemma är bäst”, meaning something like being away is nice, but being home is the best.
I don’t know if I can agree with that. I left pretty much everything that means the world to me. I guess being home is nice but being with the one you love is truly the best.
And then about “home”, where am I when I’m home? I really don’t know anymore, as I have said many times before, I’m a citizen of the world, worldwide.
Moving on, let me tell you about my stay in Bosnia. It was amazing in so many ways, I would say, wonderful, fantastic, lovely, phenomenal, unbelievable, dreamlike, ABSOLUTNO ROMANTICNO! (absolutely romantic). And those words are still not enough to explain it. I got a chance to see a lot of things I had never seen before through a totally different angle. And I really fell in love with what I saw. I’m so full of satisfaction, but mostly of full of love. I think I would lie if I didn’t say that my “loveable” is coming through.

Sunshine

2007-05-16T16:16:00.000+02:00

Hold your breath...

Pause

2007-05-11T12:47:00.000+02:00

Dear you all, no worries, Im having the time of my life down here. I havent been able to send messages from my phone, but Im great, everything is just wonderful, I promise!

Ive got to much to tell you about everything, Im so full, up in it, in the moment, I cant describe it.
And really, I dont want to, I dont have time for it, it can wait, you can wait right?

By the way, Marion, your order is done, I hope youll like it.

Got to go, life is calling....
Take care!

Scandinavia-Balkans

2007-05-08T09:06:00.000+02:00

I’m leaving Scandinavia today, I hope you all can live without me for a week. But before I leave I have some news. The first can be read here. I guess we don’t have to worry about the climate anymore, hm. Maybe I should leave Miljöpartiet? Cosmic radiation, my ass.
The second one, well it’s something my boss said the other day. He was having some problems with a company who brought their dog to the restaurant, and they wanted to bring the dog inside. He came to me and said, HUMANS, how stupid are they, it’s not my F law! And besides that, this environment is not for animals, I feel sorry for the dog. You know, you can’t satisfy everyone, YES, there was an idiot how tried to do that, and WHAT happened to him, huh? THEY crucified him!!!!
What can I say, crazy Scandinavians....

Aha, so now I'm going on about unimportant things because I know what is waiting me. Oh, dear God, please let me survive. You'd think that your therapist would calm you down, instead he says, what if something goes wrong and you die? And then he says, ENJOY your stay.

Loveable comes through

2007-05-07T09:33:00.000+02:00

The time has almost come.
I feel more than what is able to write down, in this world, in this written language. There are always two versions I have to give. Kind of like a two-step programme. The first one is always a hypothesis, a conception, but always so beautiful, so beautiful. The second step is kind of a result from the first one. Including influences from the so called reality, measuring how well the hypothesis agrees with it.
ANYWAY. (I have to fragment everything to some point.)
What I really meant to say was that;
Dear, time is building walls around us, step over and come with me.

Remember the Eddie-song?

2007-05-06T23:44:00.000+02:00

Everything I know, she taught me all that, and sometimes as children back then, I think she also regretted teaching me stuff, for as children, we both wanted to win.
I remember my birthday, I think it was in 1995, my mom still mentions it sometimes "I remember seeing her through the window carrying the biggest box I have ever seen." She always had crazy ideas, and I watched and learned.
She was my first friend in this country, she shared everything of hers with me. First of all her family; her parents, her older siblings, even her grandmother. They were all my family to, and I was at her house 24/7. Then also her million barbiedolls, she even made me play soccer. As you all know as the years go by, a lot of changes, today we are grown up women, but still the same old us.
Marion, I will always be the little one, and I still watch and learn from you.

Don't pay atttention to this weird video, but the song.

Get back.

2007-05-06T13:57:00.000+02:00

I’m off to work now and I wish you all a nice day.
Chill. Holla. Peace. Whatever.
Hear me out now. HANDS UP.

By Sutherland, about The Thief and Society

2007-05-06T10:49:00.000+02:00

The professional thief does not regard society in general as an enemy or perpetrate crimes against society because of hatred toward society. The thief’s idea is to make money, and he must necessarily make it from society. The only persons who can make money off the antisocial group are the coppers, lawyers, fixers, and politicians. Rather than hate society, the professional thief rejoices in the welfare of the public. He would like to see society enjoy continuous prosperity, for then his own touches will naturally be greater.

The thief does not hate those members of society who protect themselves against theft. Thieves appreciate smartness in anyone, and if a store, bank, or individual is sufficiently shrewd to overcome the possibility of theft, they would admire rather than hate. Should two boosters be walking along the streets and one suggest going into Smith’s store for a score, the other might reply, “That joint is out, they’re smart to every angle and cannot be beaten.” Smith would not be an object of displeasure or vilification because of this but would rather be respected.

The thief does not feel contempt for the sucker or think him as a helpless boob. The term “sucker” applies to everyone who is not a thief, mot merely to the prospect of mark. Suckers are considered to be more or less shrewd. This attitude is caused by two things: first, all thieves consider the accumulation of wealth as a sign of shrewdness, be the possessor sucker or thief; and second, a thief believes it is his superior smartness which causes him to be successful, and there would not be much personal gratification or glory in beating a boob. The thief feels that if a sucker is not sufficiently smart to protect himself, his rights are gone. This is illustrated by an unexpected touch of $3,500 on the cannon, when one of the troupe remarked, “If a guy doesn’t protect $3,500 any better than that, be ought to lose it.” It was a jug touch, and the sucker had simply slipped the package of money into his outside overcoat pocket, but the thief’s reaction would have been the same if the sucker ha put the money in his inside vest pocket.

The thief does not like to be beaten any better than anyone else, and it is just as easy to beat him. He will holler as loud as anyone if he loses some money. A thief whose pocket was picked on a train just as it was coming into Detroit yelled and raised hell as though he had lost a million dollars. This was not put on for any purpose either. It probably makes a thief more angry to be beaten than it does an ordinary citizen, for it is a reflection on a thief to be a sucker.

In general, the professional thief does not have any attitude toward his victim. The victims are just means to an end, the possessors of wealth which the thief desires. He attempts to get the wealth without any consideration of the victim. The victims are thought of just like a fisherman thinks of a place to fish or a hunter of a place to hunt.

Letter from Jenna

2007-05-05T23:36:00.000+02:00

Dear Marizela.
You are aware that you are living through a very interesting and exciting period in your life. I know that at the moment you ask yourself a number of difficult questions on many different levels and notably about certain people (or even one person in particular) because what counts for you is to attain the goals which you have set yourself and at this time one of your preoccupations is to know what you should do about this person who attracts you. Concerning all the other things which leap to my mind, I can see that deep inside of you (even if you are not fully aware of it, it is hidden away) remains the memory of an important relationship for you which did not work out. In a more general manner, in your relationships with other people, you are sensitive to other people's feelings, you often put other people's needs ahead of their own (especially those of their family and close friends) and yes, in general you get personal satisfaction from helping others.
I have also strongly felt that you are intuitive, you have an unusually strong intuition and being in touch with this power may be one of the reason why you are drawn to astrology readings and psychic experiences. As a matter of fact, there is a very strong aura around you and an energy that is truly powerful. I am sensing vibrations from you much more intense than those I experience with most clients. I can also see a great deal of qualities in you and most notably you have a great deal of latent or unrealized potential. You are sometimes frustrated with the fact that others don't always recognize this or appreciate what you could offer but this is because you still did not had the time to show them but these things will soon change due to the important period which is ahead for you. As far as your character is concerned you feel torn between your desire not to commit yourself, your lust for freedom and your need to attach yourself to more solid bases. You know what you want, you do not like 'almost good enough' and this can make you difficult and exigent. Recently you have been energized by thoughts of exciting change but have not acted due to certain questions which you ask yourself. You want your life to reach a turning point and this will happen in a very short time.

Fuck off, you too lady.

GET REAL!

2007-05-05T20:54:00.000+02:00

Aghhh, for those who know me, they know I’m sharp as a razor when it comes to telling people to, hm well, fuck off. But now as it seems, that is the only two words I’m able to pronounce.
SO; FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!

Oh dear Kobe

2007-05-04T23:45:00.000+02:00

Hm, following the OPP, basketball, gets rude.

Down with OPP

2007-05-04T23:11:00.000+02:00

Oh dear Kathryn, beloved one. Comprender, was this 2001?
Lost track of time, the past.
I wanna be the one, I wanna be Kathryn, I wanna be down with OPP.
Let me stay, just for a moment.

The love generation

2007-05-04T16:02:00.000+02:00

I’m proud of my generation, we are the 80’s generation. There is debate going on about this 80’s generation as being the ego-generation. Just because? We are confident and we know what we want. We are not afraid of to speak out our opinions and we do care about world matters. We are well-read and won’t let anyone hold us down. I don’t think there is anything to worry about us taking over the 40’s generation. Head up high, we are the love generation.

Release then cajole

2007-05-03T20:06:00.000+02:00

I have always wished for magic to exist, I used to imagine myself having all sorts of powers, unfortunately that imagination disappeared one day. Still there are strange things happening around me. At some point it can’t be just haphazard I guess, but instead of speculating further about what it really is, I’m trying to make sense here, if there is a sense in it. Why do these random if we call it, things happen to me, why is this random mystical power drawn to me, am I susceptible, or what is it? Oh, okay, someone just told me to “shut up and take a card”, I seem to have disturbed something important.

YEP.
"Answered Prayer" Fear not, beloved one! Your prayers have been heard and answered....

Josefsson vs Adaktusson

2007-05-02T23:07:00.000+02:00

Here comes a lovely debate, unfortunately it’s in Swedish, I wish someone would translate it to English so more people could take part of it. It’s about investigative journalism, for those of you who understand what is said here, pay careful attention when there is 1.04minutes left. This is great, I love it.

Random

2007-05-02T07:22:00.000+02:00

Why even bother exposing yourself?

First of May

2007-05-01T11:03:00.000+02:00

For me known as a red day, where everything is closed, I also know it as always being a very hot day. Then there are these demonstrations, fun to watch sometimes, and the speeches, they are like the lottery, most of the time it’s a blank.
The funny thing is that the day before first of May, that is 30 of April, is also a day we celebrate in Sweden. But this day is not known as a red day where everything is closed. There are no demonstrations or speeches, but there is choral singing. Unfortunately this day is known as the day people in Sweden drink the most. And that is many younger too, living in a small town before Gothenburg, I remember that every year there was some kid who passed out, and the ambulances and police everywhere.
I worked yesterday and we have this Englishman coming to the pub often. He can go on about anything for hours, and yesterday he said to me, “What the fuck is wrong with this country, they have so strict laws about alcohol and yet their younger teens are out drinking their head off.” And that is true, not that I think the laws should change, but this day, 30 of April is something that needs to be reformed. It has become a tradition for younger teens to get so drunk that they even don’t know their own name.
That’s why I called my younger brother five times during three hours. And then I got myself drunk.
And that's why I today can't but should write about this very important day, I'm sorry.

Duel in solo

2007-04-29T22:48:00.000+02:00

I think she wants to battle me,

reflection, game ends in a draw....

Existence

2007-04-29T00:15:00.000+02:00

Everything is still in progress, there is no “on hold”, just a constructed “on hold” while everything is in progress, constantly. Forever ever, I want to believe. So while everything is in progress we don’t have any time to waste really but the time we set for wasting time. I.e. if your vocabulary contains the expression “wasting time”. I don’t think I’ll go any further today.

By the way,
I fell in love with something, a piece of art.

Sorrow

2007-04-28T20:01:00.000+02:00

A walk around city in April with June-weather, in sorrow with happy faces.

Today I hear Bosnian spoken everywhere....

Invert

2007-04-27T15:15:00.000+02:00

There is nothing to add here really....

Seriously! Seriously! Seriously!

2007-04-26T21:07:00.000+02:00

You scored as Satanism.
Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism!
Before you scream, do a bit of research on it.
To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan.
Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement
of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of
moral codes.
Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic
cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of
earth-based religions such as paganism.

Satanism

100%

agnosticism

92%

Paganism

92%

Buddhism

75%

Judaism

75%

Islam

75%

Hinduism

67%

atheism

42%

Christianity

33%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)

(a) OH DEAR KATHRYN! (moment)

2007-04-26T00:11:00.000+02:00

In less than two weeks I’ll be on a plane, believe it or not. I haven’t had time to even think about how I’m going to survive it, since I really hate flying. I have been busy, reloading to be able to take this decision. The plane is going to take me to the capital of a country that once was mine, but I lost it somewhere through the years, and now I’m going back to make it mine again.
To my help I’ll have, you can say, some kind of guide; he will be my leading star through this journey. I have chosen him with very much care, that’s how I know he’s the right man for this assignment.
Eventually, when I return, I hope I’ll have something yearn for, I don’t have any expectations, but I know, everything is going to be just fine.

They say I should sleep on it but I really don't have time for it

2007-04-24T22:29:00.000+02:00

Yep, the day has come, the day in which this all is tearing me apart. Although I feel like no one can defeat me, when I see myself in the mirror I look like a helpless child. So the doomsday has come, am I going to stand up for myself, starting a new paradigm, becoming my grownup-me, or I’m going to draw back myself into my shell, afraid to stick my nose out for what’s out there to fight with.
I know what I want, but do I have the guts to stand up for it?
The doomsday has come, it’s really here now.
Time to go, time to stay, however it’s time to make a choice.
I’m in my shell calculating, what’s it worse, disappointing yourself or disappointing people you love?
Yes, I'm trapped in a prisoner's dilemma.

Lovely

2007-04-23T21:43:00.000+02:00

Introducing a friend, a performance, in the dancing duo Donya
Hear the music, feel the moves, lovely, isn't it?

|

A crew from the ballet academy

2007-04-23T00:44:00.000+02:00

Last night I went out with “the crew”, my dancing crew. Evelin and Marit, hitting the dance floor. OK. It didn’t take long, maybe two minutes, and there they were, a bunch of annoying men. “Hey girls, are you some kind of dancers or something, from the ballet academy?”
Rule number one: Don’t try to chat with me on the dance floor.
Rule number two: Don’t block my space.
Rule number three: Don’t ever try to touch me while I’m dancing, you primitive.

If you however get a chance to chat with me, do not let the first question be “Where do you come from?”

ARE WE CLEAR?

Ederlezi

2007-04-21T16:44:00.000+02:00

I only remember a few things from my childhood in Bosnia, one of my strongest memories is this song and this scene. Ederlezi….

Another dimension of the intellectual battle/challenge

2007-04-21T00:37:00.000+02:00

The feeling comes again before bedtime, this time completely with viability. Oh, I surely did fell into your arms. Like Kathryn would say, any day now. Just listen.

Holy Friday

2007-04-20T23:18:00.000+02:00

What a great day it has been. I woke up at 7 am, because of the stupid laundry, it never MF dries.
And then I went to see my therapist and we talked about my plans for May, about my parents and their opinion about it ect. How wise I though, he really gave me something this time, but when I told my dad about it, he said; HA! How stupid, he knows nothing, and I couldn’t help laughing.
I met Evelin after the therapy and we went shopping, at first I was in kind of a bad mood, I think it was because it was breezy and cold outside. And I felt a little bit stressed, I don’t really know why. How good, she can handle me still. After an hour I thought, well, am I going to spend anything today, it bothered me that I hadn’t found anything. So I have realized I don’t like shopping. It takes too long running around, and people everywhere, just too much of everything.
Anyway, at the end I found almost everything I needed and we were heading towards the tram when a member of Hare-Krishna stopped us. He gave us some kind of cartoon magazine, that he and his friend had made, inspired by their experience in India. He was preaching about the soul, the constant soul, never changes. Our body and your mind is not us, we are our soul. And this world is not our home.
Evelin was going on about Lacan and the lack we live with since our birth, I was going on about the evolution and altruism. He was kind of cute, this guy, so convinced. He said, when I was 11 years old I was a racist, and now I'm standing here. I asked him how old he was now, and he said 23. Then I said ok, so you were a racist when you were 11, and now you’re 23 standing here talking about the constant soul, what do you think you’ll be doing when you’re 40? I got at least an honest answer, he said, I don’t know.
I went home, and for a further 3 hours, I spent my time talking about plans and visions of life.
I even got a proposal over the MSN, have you ever thought about getting married via MSN?

n r o c i r p a c, 18 days?

2007-04-20T00:19:00.000+02:00

And this is how it feels, really.

The intellectual battle between lovers

2007-04-19T13:11:00.000+02:00

Is it really necessary? Okay, sure it is very necessary but, is it really necessary having this battle constantly? The battle should transform into something else but battle, a battle doesn’t give you a chance to relax at any point. Maybe to an intellectual challenge, challenges are okay I think.
The superior I’m always coming back to, someday I’ll regret even using that word, but okay. The superior, damn it, it’s what we need, what I need. But. What makes the superior being the superior is not him/her being aware he/she is a superior but the fact that the superior sees these intellectual battles as intellectual challenges instead.
So, what does that make me? Your superior? No damn it, I’m not aware of it, so maybe. Now please, would you stop being aware of it too, and challenge me instead!

Oasis of unknowing

2007-04-18T17:00:00.000+02:00

This is what I have learned today:

The reason that Sigmund Freud and his theories have had great success is because, well, as we all know, SEX IS SELLING, alright.

Lacan explains what love is; Love is when you’re trying to give something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it.

By the way.
Our professor is trying to resemble this “Lacan-style” when he is holding lectures. And I get really carried away by him, you’ll see here why...

Sense of happiness

2007-04-18T00:42:00.000+02:00

I came home from work just a couple of minutes ago, I worked at the pub today. There was this game in football, Gothenburg playing against Stockholm. And they lost, but people were still happy, that’s just how things are in Gothenburg. It was really crowded all the time, I didn’t have a chance to think about anything but serving people their beer and food, and I love it. Now I’m all tired, I barely know my own name. But I’m happy as I could ever be. And here is a song I love. And, I love you all, too.

The altruistic plan of mine

2007-04-16T17:04:00.000+02:00

Everyone is lost in them self, including me. I had a dream last night, in which I woke up, but I really didn’t, I hope I’m awake now writing this. I realised from that dream I had lost myself in myself, and that is what’s making my altruistic plan for human decline. This altruistic plan of mine is my life project and I really don’t have time playing naive games, contribute some kind of “you and I“, or be in familiar terms with who or what so ever.
So this plan is a life project like I said, and it will never end, for me of course it will end when I die. By that time I hope I have someone who can assume responsibility of this plan. Like the evolution there is purpose in this plan but just keeping straight balance, making sure nothing disturbs the way of nature itself. Because, there is always an answer to everything, and it goes; it is in the nature of things.
To the question of how I came up with this idea, the answer lies in the many hours I have spent during my lifetime, observing the people, trying to make sense to their actions, reflecting over the relationships there is, trying to define what is right or wrong, until I discovered there is no such thing as right or wrong, then trying to reforming ideas about it, and so on and on.
Anyway, what I’m trying so say is that, I have no self-interest in doing this but the love for human beings.

How did I end up here?

2007-04-15T20:12:00.000+02:00

And where do I go next?

The thunder in a sunny life

2007-04-15T00:12:00.000+02:00

Damn it! The last a few days now, you are just getting smaller.... and pitiful, in my eyes. I hate this happening, every time!!!! I mean…. come on! Don’t let me defeat you so easy. I’m expecting more resistance from you. For my own sake that is because if I continue like this I’ll never find what I’m searching for.

By the way, MAN, you are getting on my nerves, and that’s great you know. AGGHH, I have been waiting for so long, take this motherfucking composure away and release the wrath. I need it to feel alive.

Divine timing?

2007-04-14T11:56:00.000+02:00

Pay attention to doors that are opening and shutting for you right now. Walk through doors that open, and learn from the door that shut.

Your prayers are being answered; there is no doubt about it. However, everything operates according to the Universal Laws of Divine Timing. This means that certain pieces of the puzzle must first fall into place so that other parts can come to fruition. If you try to skip or rush certain pieces or parts, the whole plan will lack a solid foundation. Don’t try to force open any doors that appear closed to you. Instead, ask your angels for guidance to see if the door closed because of negative expectations, or if it’s simply a sign of Divine Timing. Look for other doors that do open, and walk through them with faith and gratitude.

Bedtime

2007-04-14T00:30:00.000+02:00

It is when you get closer I lose my words. And now, before bedtime, like there is no tomorrow I have the greatest of words to tell you. I miss you, and I have thousands of ideas, for a whole lifetime, and each and every idea includes you being a part of it. And then I want to tell you to relax, like I keep telling you, it’s going to get better. Don’t be afraid to let it happen, I have capability to make you stand up straight in need for that, I can take initiatives myself. I know what my intentions were from the start, when I was calculating things, you were not even aware of me. I watched you for a time before I decided to let you know, you are the one that I want.

A very amusing day

2007-04-12T15:47:00.001+02:00

…..just like this scene in this movie, I can help laughing every time I see it. It's the situation, I just recognize it so well.
By the way, lovely day, I can't help smiling.

Lovemessage

2007-04-11T22:01:00.000+02:00

As indifferent as I can be writing this now, I want make sure you know this.
What you make me to be doesn’t agree with my vision of my capability. You rise me in a way I didn’t even consider possible. I’m not used to play this part. So my dearest dear, know that
when I come around, you’ll be my island to discover.

.............

And a message to the ones I was preaching about Love
(And I thought I was very much aware, I think this is what I meant every time I was going on about the “superior”.)

I even have a dedication to Evelin, lots of chocolatecakelove, enjoy this my dear. HAJDE, HAJDE!

It's time to get real

2007-04-11T11:55:00.000+02:00

Just got home from a meeting with the organizers of The Science Festival.
I’m going to help out with the Psychological experiments, it sure will be fun. I’m very happy that I'm going to take part of it. I just hope that the schoolchildren won’t think it’s boring, but I doubt it, they will be instructed to lie for example, kids like to lie, right?

I’m caught up in a really strange mood, it is just there, so visible for me, but still, I can’t put a word for it. I’ll just leave it here now, I have a million things to do, better get going if I want to survive this.

The mean girl says Hi

2007-04-10T07:13:00.000+02:00

Which word describes you?

Mean

You r one of those

Indifferent says; WORD!

I love mornings like this, I can walk around doing nothing for a whole hour without panicking about being late. I’ll be spending most of my time today at lectures (probably daydreaming a lot), where I’m trying to listen. Later tonight I’ll be working at the pub, there is some kind of football match and I’ll be probably running my ass off at Amsterdammertje. I don’t mind, I love busy days, helps me get focused.
So long friends, lovers and the unspecified ones, I won’t be here entertaining you today. You’ll have to entertain yourself, peace, love and very much understanding, from your Kathryn.

Dear friends, lovers, and the unspecified ones

2007-04-09T19:46:00.000+02:00

I’m no longer available emotionally, unable to create new things, unable giving myself to you. I’m indifferent in the most surrealistic way, indifferent loves surrealistic. I love being indifferent.
Dear friends, lovers, and the unspecified ones, I’m taken, unavailable to reach.
The sign I’ve been waiting for, it’s here. It sweeps me off my feet just like the first time, but this time I fly higher than ever. Someday when I’m ready and when my matador is ready for me, maybe I’ll be standing down on earth again, maybe I’ll go back to being loveable again.

The opposite sex

2007-04-08T18:20:00.000+02:00

YOU MEN AMAZE ME SOMETIMES.
Ok. So, I think it was in the end of November last year I met this guy out one night. We talked and exchanged numbers, ok. We said we were going to take a coffee sometime but that never happened. I think last time he asked me out was in January, I received a message but didn’t answer it. OK!
So now, (cmon on, seriously!) it’s April and this guy seems not have given up. I received a message five minutes ago which goes; “Hey sweety, how are you, it has been a while… Hope we can meet maybe soon? Big hugs from “the guy”.
OK again, SERIOUSLY, what to do.
I know he is not going to read this but if he ever did I like to give him this message;
“You must be joking me, MAN, you have to ask your hippocampus to erase me from your brain system, peace bro!”

I’m sorry for bitching but SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY!

I feel you

2007-04-08T10:35:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I talked to a friend about signs. I said I'm waiting for some kind of sign before I get a total turn-off.

And what happend when I took an oracle card today? I got the card; SIGNS

"Pay careful attention to the messages the angels give you now.

You have asked for a sign, and they deliver it. Notice and trust these signs.
You've asked for heaven to help you. Now it's up to you to pay attention to the evidence of their help. This card signifies that your angels are trying to get your attention with signs. They might ask a butterfly or bird to fly near you. Or they might compel you to hear a song several times. They might put an object in your path so that you have to notice it. Drawing this card is also a sign from your angels. They are trying to get through - please notice!
You can ask your angels to give you a sign whenever you have a question or a decision to make. Usually, it's not a good idea to specify what type of sign you'd like. Leave that up to the angels. They are very good at making their presence known."

Angels, show yourself.

Where is my Sebastian?

2007-04-08T00:09:00.000+02:00

maybe I’ll be like usher
then
you would definitely be one of my confessions
darling

From a hater to a lover

2007-04-07T15:48:00.000+02:00

Introducing dear Yannick Trott.
Holla biaaaaach!

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Healing with angels, Oracle cards.

2007-04-07T13:58:00.000+02:00

The card of the day:
CELEBRATION
Good news! Cause for celebration is here, and it is time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
The angels want you to know that this is a light-filled time in your life. You have been working toward making changes, and your intentions have now manifested into form. This is the time for you to fill your heart with a warm feeling of gratitude.
The angels ask you, through this card, to hold strong in this gratitude. You are like a gardener who plants seeds and nurtures them because she has faith that her labours will yield new growth. Keep watering and tending to your seeds, and you will soon see them sprouting through the surface. The angels are your co-gardeners, who help you tend to your crop.

Bonds of friendship

2007-04-06T22:56:00.000+02:00

Dear friend, you mean the world to me, I love you.

The beginning of an end of nothing

2007-04-06T11:14:00.000+02:00

What brings me down makes me stronger, it’s almost like I prefer to live in sorrow. I feel so strong knocking you all down. I do, oh I do. Rising up, stronger for each and every time. So you can keep changing your directions after how the wind blows. I’ll just keep up doing what I do.
The past two years has given me a lead, either I’m standing on the top of the top or at the bottom of the bottom, I always have a cleared sight. I can see you and predict your next intentioned and unintentional move. I’m moving forward on my own, into something foreign but so familiar. Have I been here before?

I can’t put a word for it. It’s something very diffuse. I think they say “it is in the nature of things”.

In my nature of things.

Welcome to Oskarshamn

2007-04-05T23:03:00.000+02:00

I’ve been laughing my ass off for the past 3 hours, if you all think I’m a freak, I sure know where I have got it from, my dear parents. Insane. Believe it or not, it’s good to be home.
And I’ve just received a message from my travelbuddy Biljana, thank God she’s not in Bosnia right now, maybe I’ll get her to join me in May.

So, I have to make up my mind, really, seriously. SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY.
The days goes by, I have to make up my mind, damn it. But I have. And I haven’t.
SERIOUSLY.

I'm waiting.