I got a chance to clean my apartment today, so I did. I get fascinated by cleaning, I mean, fascinated by how good I feel afterwards when everything is in its place. While I was cleaning I found an iron that I had forgot all about. And I felt a bit of guilt. You see, when I moved from my parents, my mom insisted that I should have an iron. So she gave me one but I didn’t have much use for it. When I was visiting my parents for Easter, she had bought a new iron again. She said, I have one myself, I promise you it’s the best. Ok mom, but I already have an iron. But she insisted again that I should have it and I brought it to Gothenburg, put it away and now I have found the damn iron. So now I have to go and iron my guilt away....
We were supposed to have theatre rehearsal today but it got cancelled. So I’m starting to wonder how they are planning on have the premiere September 21st. It’s not like I’m worried but it feels like if I’m going to put a whole lot of energy and time on having performances I want to feel like it is a good performance worth seeing. Enough about that now. I’m still trying to get back to my normal life here in Sweden. I have started seeing my beloved therapist again, and it feels much better now than before summer. Not that he has changed anything, but I guess I have. Feels like I live one day at the time, I only know what I’m going to do tomorrow but not any further. It’s messy, I work at different places, different times. I have to get some organization. I’m glad that school starts soon so I’ll only have that as my biggest concern.
OK, what is it about older men and braids? Seems like every time I wear braids older men walk up to me and say; “You are so cute” Just happened now, when I got off the tram, a man in his 60’s said “Oh my, you are the cutest thing” I’m like “Ehhh, thanks”, embarrassed I start to walk faster and he shouts after me “I’m sorry, I know I’m an old man, but you are really cute!”
I have been away for a while I guess, not just physically but also mentally. And it has been great, but I haven’t really felt like myself for a long time and I can’t say I’m comfortable with that. So now I’m starting to wake up and I haven’t even been aware of this “away-ness”. I want get started, I want to live again, I want to organize things and have a plan. This passivity has to go away and I will make it go away because I’m so sick and tired off it. I want to be me, because none knows better what’s best for me but me.
