Excitement

I’m really exhausted, I have been working from early mornings to late evenings, and I’ve even worked double shifts. And I feel, actually I don’t feel anything. I’m just empty.
But it doesn’t end here, tomorrow I have lots “to-do” and on Sunday too, I have to say I’m really happy that school starts on Monday, having a un-stimulated job sucks.
I had a giving session with my therapist, we talked about the war and understanding the people of Balkan. He thought I should read a book by Ludvig Igra called, with the Swedish title, “Den tunna hinnan”.
I think it’s amazing how things can chance over a night, maybe they don’t but when the awareness is right there, and it’s just wow. At the beginning I couldn’t speak, during the sessions I just flew away somewhere else and was not ready to share it with him. Now just as I walk into that room I have so much to tell him that I don’t know where to start. Since I came back from the summerbreak he has kept on telling me “your life is very exciting right now”.
Very exciting it is, and I’m very excited myself.

My Beloved One

Never believe it’s too late

Those people have been fading away through the years
I have been searching for security and stability
I called it identity
False conviction came into my life
How the years went by and the people faded away
Through support I found the courage to walk back
And as I approached, the fading people
Everything made sense in my life

The Tefal Aquaspeed 155

I got a chance to clean my apartment today, so I did. I get fascinated by cleaning, I mean, fascinated by how good I feel afterwards when everything is in its place.
While I was cleaning I found an iron that I had forgot all about. And I felt a bit of guilt. You see, when I moved from my parents, my mom insisted that I should have an iron. So she gave me one but I didn’t have much use for it. When I was visiting my parents for Easter, she had bought a new iron again. She said, I have one myself, I promise you it’s the best. Ok mom, but I already have an iron. But she insisted again that I should have it and I brought it to Gothenburg, put it away and now I have found the damn iron. So now I have to go and iron my guilt away....

So what now?

We were supposed to have theatre rehearsal today but it got cancelled. So I’m starting to wonder how they are planning on have the premiere September 21st.
It’s not like I’m worried but it feels like if I’m going to put a whole lot of energy and time on having performances I want to feel like it is a good performance worth seeing.
Enough about that now.
I’m still trying to get back to my normal life here in Sweden. I have started seeing my beloved therapist again, and it feels much better now than before summer. Not that he has changed anything, but I guess I have.
Feels like I live one day at the time, I only know what I’m going to do tomorrow but not any further. It’s messy, I work at different places, different times. I have to get some organization. I’m glad that school starts soon so I’ll only have that as my biggest concern.

Older men and braids

OK, what is it about older men and braids? Seems like every time I wear braids older men walk up to me and say; “You are so cute”
Just happened now, when I got off the tram, a man in his 60’s said “Oh my, you are the cutest thing”
I’m like “Ehhh, thanks”, embarrassed I start to walk faster and he shouts after me “I’m sorry, I know I’m an old man, but you are really cute!”

Am I cute in braids? What do you think?

Indifferent

I have been away for a while I guess, not just physically but also mentally. And it has been great, but I haven’t really felt like myself for a long time and I can’t say I’m comfortable with that. So now I’m starting to wake up and I haven’t even been aware of this “away-ness”. I want get started, I want to live again, I want to organize things and have a plan. This passivity has to go away and I will make it go away because I’m so sick and tired off it.
I want to be me, because none knows better what’s best for me but me.